More News From Ukraine

In the interests of fairness, today’s short post is a statement from the other side of the debate, guest writer Sir Reginald Felch of the UK Ukraine Taskforce.

When are we going into lockdown for Ukraine then? It’s a question everyone reasonable is asking themselves, since measures must be taken to Flatten the Crimea.

Remember to take your Russian World Conquest Vaccine. It’s 100% Safe and Effective.

At 8pm every night we will be banging our pots and pans to signal that we value and respect Our Ukraine.

Remember to check Government websites for a full list of banned Russian foods, books, ideas and facial expressions. Maintain social distance from anything you suspect may be Russian.

You do not need to think for yourselves. Be assured that the BBC,reputable newspapers and the Government are your only sources of truth. We will keep you informed of what to think. Until further notice, please continue to think that IT IS 1939 AGAIN and that PUTIN IS A MONSTER WHO MUST BE STOPPED.

These two opinions should be sufficient for you to support any amount of spending and any amount of risk. But remember to get Booster opinions from approved media at regular intervals.

We have employed 100,000 people to set up Emergency Russian Vaccine stations in car parks across the country. If you feel any of the following symptoms please report to your nearest station immediately:

1. Thinking for yourself.

2. Accessing Non Approved News Sources.

3. Caring more about your own country than Our Ukraine.

4. Not worshipping Zelenskky (the New Churchill).

5. Knowing that it isn’t 1939.

6. Suspecting that the Government and supporters of Our Ukraine are fucking retards.

Also please keep an eye out for these dangerous symptoms in your friends, neighbours, co workers and family members. Social distancing rules apply, but it’s also important to ring our Russian Spy Detected Hotline and inform us of suspicious independent thinking.

We can beat this imaginary threat that doesn’t actually affect you at all, except by our insane actions in response to it!

Britain’s forces are mobilising as we speak. All of our Diversity Coordinators have adjusted their paperwork to exclude Russian sympathisers and Russian speakers from up to date diversity frameworks. Our intelligence services are seizing copies of Tolstoy from public libraries. And our entire force of 367 trained, competent and experienced fighting disabled lesbians are ready to face the Russian War Machine.

We will save Ukraine from Russian aggression and Putin’s madness, and fight to the very last Ukrainian. But we need your unwavering support too. Banging your kettle tonight makes all the difference. Changing your profile picture puts a significant dent in Russia’s military and manpower advantage over Ukraine. Taking your Russia Vaccine inoculates you from reality.

Let the dictator Putin know that you Stand With Our Ukraine.